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thankful for what I've got

Thursday, November 2, 2006

3:31PM

As I am looking out of my window, I see a strange picture. The sun is shining from the left, in the background there are grey clouds, and from above it snows. The tree in the middle still has quite a bunch of leafs on it, some of them are still green even. And today I managed to make another good sky photo.

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Wednesday, November 1, 2006

7:52PM

I live out of fear and happiness
and sympathy in unwept tears
sometimes, in a flash of anger, I realize
I don't live for myself
another writes my thoughts, even my life
another makes me live
and will make me lie down and die one day
I've been born twice
from a mother that beheld me in love
and from the Spirit I never saw
the unknown tries to shackle me
and what I know I only have as faith
in my fears and joys
in my laughters and my tears
I always wanted to be someone else
because I could never accept myself
I hated to love me
I hated what my selflove brought me
I hated that it didn't go away
someone else held me, poor and dirty as I were
someone else's strong and bloody hand
death was the prize he was willing to pay
life was the prize I wanted as a reward
my crows often come back, and my nightingales
when the rage overtakes me that all goes as planned
when I feel like a robot in faith
like a discharged criminal that has no choices
when I watch people I am reminded that not all are saved
even when His love is the greatest there is
how can that be? and I may only shiver and sigh
and His strong and bloody hand
writes into my heart and soul
of law and love

3:27PM

I'm feeling such anger today. For no particular reason. But I'm really tense and loaded.

It is autumn, and if I could tell this it feels as if God is angry and shakes every tree out there personally, plucking away every leaf personally too. In a mixture of love, hate and patience.

I'm feeling angry about my fate, about being who I am. I'm also angry at Jesus, though I couldn't tell why. I'm angry about being angry.

I feel like a sharp sword. Like a war hammer. Polished and ready. But justice sees no enemy. And the king tells me to hold my peace.

This is a photo I made a few days ago:

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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

1:44PM

I was asking myself today what to think of idolatry. I have heard from other christians that it's got to do with the devil - that he's pretending to be God or a spirit being and confuses people until they make an image and worship him as a god. However, that's not what the Old Testament teaches. It basically repeats all the time that there are no other gods and that idols and manmade things that have no power at all. So, if this is the biblical teaching, how do people get the idea that idolatry and other religions are coming from the devil? Wouldn't it make much more sense to know that sin, ignorance and mental delusions are responsible for idolatry? Also, how's the case with magic? Is that all nonsense or is there a magic "that works"? I have no interest at all in magic nor idolatry, just want to know what to think of it. As of now, I'm of the oppinion that it's all delusional, it is a kind of faith that is directed at what is not meant for having faith in. I mean, consider astrology. 90% of what it predicts turns out wrong. And the 10% of what turns out right, could easily be coincidental. Yet when people believe in such things, they give them faith, a very blind faith that, like schizophrenia or depression, opposes correction. I have schizophrenia myself, so I know how weird it can be to be forced by the mind into believing what has no truth.

Monday, October 30, 2006

4:22PM

I've had some remarkable days. At first I tried to go back to my natural self, the Daniel I think I've always thought I am, and have been. The soulish man. It was pretty successful. It was like God said to me, ok, we release you from service, you can go. Try to have a few strong friendships, they might gain you access in Heaven when your time comes. I was taking that as a straw, and was glad about it. I've had enough of my time as an unsuccessful seeker. I didn't so much blame God as I was thinking I just can't do it. I was thinking, I can't really be humble, I can't really be believing. I thought, my schizophrenia will make things impossible to handle. And when I looked at the time I've had so far, this still seems true. I was chatting a bit with a new friend I've made, an american young girl. One time I also chatted with Jelena, my ex-girlfriend with whom I had broken up at the beginning of October. I had broken up because of IM, a girl with whom I had been in contact with some years ago. It's a long story how I got in touch with her, and a weird one at that. From what I know now I am convinced that it wasn't meant to go like I had thought back then. We were just meant to become honest friends. That's what God always expects of people, I think, to be honest and friendly to each other. Friendship is something wonderful between people, it's a big gift to life. It doesn't really leave alone even the worst sinners and heretics, many of them anyway. I always felt for this girl, for her art, for her story. There seemed to be a darkness accompanying her, and something made me want to get close to that darkness. But the time I had with her had a bloodstain from the start - in my third or so email to her I fabricated a weird and blasphemous story about Jesus, coupled with a sexual theme. I did not quite understand what I written, but it sincerely shook myself, changed myself. I was quickly perceived as a womanizer, as a kind of maniac, and I think I was embraced for that. We talked on a forum, one on philosophy and art, and people who embrace these things always seem to be open for something new. Anyway, despite noticing soon that this was not how it was meant to be, I fell in love with that woman while in fact I should have only been her friend. I'm not saying love would have been forbidden - but with the character I had, that I wanted her without concern for it being the right thing, and with the character she had, that she didn't listen, it was a lost cause. But really, I more or less believed in this love for years, and this belief never really left me. I knew Indira cared for me. I knew she had sympathy. But everytime I tried to think of Indira, then I heard voices and had feelings I could not understand. There was either despair, or a cool sort of easiness that just didn't fit to me, that I could not embrace and integrate in me. I'm just not the kind of man who can just have optimism and care for nothing despite knowing something's wrong. I always felt there was something wrong. I suspected it to be in what me and Indira had. I was always asking myself, why can she care for me, if she doesn't call, or write an email. I know she cared, she wrote on that whole ordeal on her site, and even made drawings on it. I also knew she was reading my journals, and quite likely reads this one too. When I thought about this, I usually got enraged. I could not understand, why does she notice me, think about me, care about me, and then not do as she should have done. I always knew one thing, if she would start to appreciate me and get in touch, then I would feel better. Then I would get better mentally as well. I've felt, I sinned against her, she was deluded and I deluded her even more. While we've had the chance for a honest friendship, we turned the whole thing into both a nightmare and something ridiculous. Indira writes on her page that she has a really big problem with her upbringing and education. It was a christian one in many ways.

In September I was working in a nursing home with the elderly. I was washing an old woman one day, a very old woman that nearly doesn't speak at all anymore. A very ill woman. I was washing her and thinking about Indira, and suddenly I heard that woman speak inside me: "She was hating you for who you were, for what you've done". Something similar happened with another woman there, when I washed her and thought of Indira. She said, in my mind: "Your wife. Aren't you afraid for her?" That's how I was thinking of Indira. We were not married, of course, but I thought and felt for her as if we were. There were A LOT of weird happenings in that regard. I met two women in my city that seemed to look like her. The first one I met when I thought of Jesus the carpenter in the tram. She looked at me and wept and smiled. I thought of Indira and went away. The other one I met near a tram. She looked more like Indira and had glasses on. When I went past her and looked at her, she was looking back, through sunglasses, and she was quiet and yet seemed excited to see me. The hazy kind of contact between too people that could fashion something. I thought of something else and moved on. There was something happenening all these years. Some might say, Doppelgängers. Some might say, God. Some might say, strange happenings. I don't quite know what to think of this. Sometimes I think I've been a great fool for not going to talk with these women. But what should I have said? What would they have said if I had let out what I was thinking? I know that my God understands love and protects it. Those who love, are of God. Even when we do wrong in love, there is something in love that brings us closer to God. A kind of insistence, a promise, a suffering, a loyalty. In the same manner, God insists. In the same manner, God doesn't ever let go. You need love to handle God. And I think you need God to handle love. That's what I understood quickly, but didn't want to accept. Because, I think, the love between me and Indira, or perhaps our sympathy for each other, quickly became something demonic on my behalf.

I've had evil spirits plaguing me all the time. Sometimes they were in the background, sometimes they were there more noticably. And they seemed to get worse the closer I got to God. Anytime I tried to move closer to the Lord, they came and made things difficult. Anytime I tried to sit down and think clearly about the matter with Indira, they came and made things difficult. I'm not sure what most people think of evil spirits and how they work. And I don't think I can explain it very well. There's always something shameful about demonic influences, so I don't even believe I should explain it. I just wished that people would understand how difficult it is. That an anger you expressed, a fear you exhibit, isn't from you, but from demons. I don't know if there are many people that have such spirits. According to a portion of the NT, in Acts, it says that evil spirits came out of many people. It's just best to ignore them.

Today something happened which is hard to explain. First I was still in a similar mood to when I wrote the last entry. I wanted to go away from Jesus, even when in the morning I had beautiful visions of him and later on had a good talk with my christian brother John. John is a big help for me. He has a christian ministry in India, a Gospel ministry that also takes care for children. When I first met John I was a bit upset because he pleaded for help and I was both fearing that I could not get him help, and would therefor disappoint his investments of much prayer and fasting for this help he really needs at this point, and I was afraid it might come down to me having to support his ministry with some money while I wasn't having much. I was really upset at some point, but I did manage to send John some money, I felt drawn to do so, John was so honest, and I knew about his work and this I just couldn't argue away in my head. In all these years, despite having problems with faith, I was always trying to be honest. Without being honest, I felt nothing is worth anything anymore. And exactly that was what the spirits were attacking: my honesty. And that's why I hate these creepy spirits. It's one thing to notice their foul presence, but quite another to notice how they are about making you foul too. I was talking about one such spirit with John some day. He told me how he had a spirit of adultery until he got baptized. After baptism, it went away. I told John about this, and since that day the spirit hasn't visited me again. There is something about John, a beautiful simplicity. I don't mean simple as in silly, I mean simple as in uncorrupted, as in clean, as in sober. I might not find a good word for what I mean. And it's not just simplicity, it also has to do with simple sympathy. When I was telling him of my problems, John just said "Oh God", and then told me his story, and said that he and his church will be praying for me. It was like I was before a court and could plead my case.

Well, today after I talked with John, I was still thinking that I should go away from God and get back to being a soulish man. It seemed easier. I was thinking that I should just decide for becoming a loner living from a disability pension because of the schizo. And I was about deciding for that. Then another friend called, a christian lady that had given me freedom from demons. Who had convinced me that it were demons who harassed me. We talked a bit, and I aired my doubts. She told me that I can't discuss with God. And that she doesn't want me to discuss with me about it either. I was, and still am, kinda dismayed with this. It may seem ridiculous for a human to want to discuss with God, but I felt that I was silenced with this. That my problem wasn't heard. And I have problems with the faith, or rather, not with the faith, but with some of the truths it holds, for example the problem of evil and, connected to this, the problem of the doctrine of eternal punishment. I didn't speak about this with the lady, but thought of it. We talked a bit, then decided to call again another time, when I would want it. She blessed me, then we hung up.

Shortly after this, I had a moment of clarity. I thought this: God has convicted us all of the murder of his son. So that we all can be acquitted. Jesus became like a curse to us, by being nailed on the cross, so that he would stay with us forever, while not being a curse in fact, but a blessing. Then I noticed someone behind me, and he came and put a finger on me upon which was blood. And as soon as this finger came on me, I felt something coming upon me, a deep sense of resignation. And a deep and friendly and rough voice said, that's what I felt on the cross, resignation for people not following God. I was again feeling dismayed: I could not think of leaving God anymore, I only felt resignation. And peace. I thought, how could God do that to me? How could he rip me out of my attempts to become Adam again, and simply give me this resignation and peace? I started to think about the end of the world, and the voice asked: What will you say to God? I wanted to answer about my grudge. Then I noticed: it wouldn't be the truth anymore. I felt peace and resignation. Not resignation as in being entirely lost and just giving in. Resignation as in, I feel ya, Jesus, I know how you are deep inside, you're honest. I just couldn't help but feel this, that God made a peace on the cross in the blood of Jesus. God knows about the ambitions of man, the voice said, God tries to be friendly to mankind, but mankind doesn't want it. Jesus death and blood work against this hostility. What can you do when such peace overwhelms you? When you notice, within it, the peace in which God's Son lived and died?

The voice also said: resignation is a lifestyle.

I was still disgruntled for a time. I thought of my back and forth of the last days, and felt I could make myself ridiculous if I would go back to the faith again. Then I noticed, it really wouldn't be honest anymore if I stayed apart. God has made peace in me. He gave me Jesus' blood. I have Jesus' blood on me. And while his blood is upon me, God doesn't accuse me and condemn me, but rather saves me. It is grace and mercy INDEED. Can mankind really live forever apart from God? Can it really just go on and on without there coming either a reconciliation or a reckoning? Can I simply go on - these are my thoughts now - without keeping that peace between me and God? Within the peace, things look different. It helps to learn. It helps to accept. I still don't know what to say about the problem of evil. There's still the thought that I am cheap for rejecting it. But the peace and resignation in me, they say, it's not God's fault. In Jesus, God wants to help. In Jesus, the door is open. When I am sinned against, how is that God's fault? When so many don't choose Jesus, how is that God's fault? We need to be convicted, so that GOD can acquit. That the Lord Jesus we murdered, can forgive us and be with us. There's no greater forgiveness and love than that. There just isn't. There's nobody who dies for you in this world. There's nobody whose death would gain you anything. There's either being helpless, or being mad.

And that's where I am now. I want to drown in this peace, in this resignation. But I know I must put it to use in life. I am set free from enmity with God. Jesus made me God's own. I depend on the most gentle and pitiful mercy there is. Jesus is righteous. He will never demand something unrighteous from me. He was murdered, but He is no murderer.

May He be victorious over anyone else. Amen.

"The truth shall set you free." Thank you for your sacrifice, Lord Jesus.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

1:16PM

I'm coming to a change again. I feel like I'm lying to myself. I don't think I can remain a christian anymore. I don't really have the faith. It doesn't stay with me, it always leaves me again. I've got some gripes about the religion anyway. Why does there have to be a hell? Why does there have to be eternal punishment? Why did there have be an OT law as harsh as the one in the bible? It all feels like an excuse to me. And I can't stand anymore the way I feel about it all. Especially the lying to myself thing. If God exists, he can't say I didn't try. I honestly tried to have faith and love God. But it's leading nowhere. I admire some stances of christianity, but I just can't accept the whole package. It's not that I am really wanting faith. It's just not working anymore. And why do I feel better if I go this route? Why does it seem that worries leave me, that fears leave me, when I go this route? I feel a desperate desire to forge my own path. In the context of the christian faith, to focus on the self means selfishness - a misvirtue. But when I actually do this, it means, for me, that I discover virtue. I am more patient when I find myself having no belief. Why is that? Why can I handle myself better if I have no faith, and why am I doing worse if I try to have faith? I feel like I am drawn to a court for matters that I should leave in my own hands. My whole brain doesn't bear the whole issue well anyway.

I guess the problem isn't really with God or Christ - who all seem very remote from me. The problem is with the situation, with the circumstance of wanting to believe. The whole issue of stepping on a stone and declaring a faith, only because I feel I have to, not because I truly feel drawn there.

My love for Jesus consisted of him being a refuge from God. He hurts me and he heals me. He is the God who creates hell, and he's the suffering saviour who saves me from it. That whole notion is so schizophrenic. Why creating hell and then saving me from it? Why creating a hell at all then? He's trying to teach us? What? To love? Sorry, but I can love without hellfire education course. The adultery thing? Well, if it's about being faithful in love, that's great, but again this will work even without religion if the partners really want that. If it's not about love, why making this rule? Aren't there old morals coming thru again?

I've been thru so many shits for God. I lost the love of my life, and I lost my last girlfriend for related reasons also. Jesus expected me to keep faith, but he almost never talks to me. I guess he expects me to follow conscience, but what if this conscience is always depressed in faith? Why do I have less voices in my head when I'm not believing all of them? It's like when I pray, then my head breaks open and is bare to the spiritual world. And not only Jesus looks into it, many other spirit beings also take a look. The only real weapon I have is unbelief. And I geuss it's best to assign unbelief to all spiritual things. Maybe I'll simply go back to atheism, or pantheism, or to a variant of buddhism. But why should I want a crutch anyway?

It's all about myself, the one I really am. I am not talking of some satanic philosophy, some embrace of darkness or of a deliberately antichristian position. What I want is my individuality, and my freedom. LOL .. this is almost like usual again, stepping on a stone and declaring something. The real issue is that I want to have it easier. I want a good life, following my desires, controling my desires as I see fit. I'm not a wretch, I have my morals, I have my embrace of virtues.

Let's see how well I do when I just keep embracing a freethinking course again.

Friday, October 27, 2006

9:38AM

I'm so fucking tired of the evil one. No matter what you do, it's never right. If you hate him, he feels tempted and then there's scripture that calls the devil a glorious one with whom I may not argue. If you give in and show him luv, you get on the dark side. If you suffer cuz of him, well, then you suffer and that's just bad time again. If you plead the case with the creator, he doesn't really seem to care and just says we humans have to go through that pain. Why does God give the devil so much free room? Why can he say, just suffer and be patient, when there can also be faith without such suffering? But no, again it is be patient, again it is, it's for your own good, so that I don't become conceited. I'm so tired of this game. I wish this evil creep would just leave me alone, and that God would come to my defense. I mean, I love God, I trust in Jesus .. how can it be that I have to go through these tests? It's one thing to go through human tests, that I am tested how far I defend the faith against humans, but it's another to have that thing going on spiritually, and permanently at that. So many nights have I spent under torment from the devil or from his minions, the evil spirits. So many nights. And it just never ends. Yesterday I was so full of faith in Jesus .. but what happened? Another hours of testing in the night. When I give in to the hate of the dark ones, I become hateful myself and loose all my patience. If I don't give in and stay strong, I get weird too and get to have weird thoughts about God. Why does God do that with me? What's his plan? It always seems to be, be kind and simple .. but why then, as a simple human without big ambitions, why am I plagued so much by evils? I can't stand that much longer. I can't be tormented day and night and then wake up as a happy christian once more.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

11:06AM

Back, I'm out of the hospital. It was a pretty weird time. I'm not gonna write much about it here.

I'm back at having faith in Jesus. I pray I'll never loose it again. It's so precious. It's wonderful to know that I trust Jesus, and that the trust simply stays with me. That it doesn't simply evaporate. I have to take care of it, and let it decide for me, even against reason if need be. But once it's there, it doesn't simply blow away like a smoke. Faith is solid, and it's wonderful to realize that reason can't do anything about it. If I really want to have faith, deep inside, then I become faithful. There is so much reason to have faith. And once faith is there, all these strangely dark suspicions about it don't hold up.

Faith, hope and love. Hail Jesus!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

5:12PM

I want to speak
and think I should not
I want to write
out of silence
I live out of silence
out of what they call nothing
how did I learn what I already knew?

1:33PM

Had a few strange days. Most of the time I was in trouble cuz of the idiocies I had done in the last months. I'm thinking of predestination - does God really author anything, including my failures? I heard a voice that said "I placed the whole creation between me and you so that I could love you as a father". Creating distance so there is none? Making creation an obstacle, for otherwise it would be a truly serious enemy? Christ overcame the world. The issue isn't whether we can do it also, it is whether we really want it too. Sometimes the creation, to me, is like a womb. I feel comfortable there, I want to adapt. The world is manageable, most of the time. But then there's the snake that in our mutual hostility makes it unbearable to just take the world and become an inhabitant. The snake's really weird, and then I am happy again that there is the enmity. I wouldn't like to be friends with this snake. It all hinges on truth. I adhere to the christian view because it is the truth. I view the devil from the christian POV of him being our enemy, one who caged many and even killed people. The snake is really OUR enemy. It's just weird that we don't always have this view, but I guess such times are necessary to get it right again that God has control over the snake.

A few pics again, of some skies: Read more...Collapse )

Sunday, October 22, 2006

3:37PM

Jesus visited me today, and he's still here. He tells me that I was tested so much because it was like I had gone on a big mountain, testing courage and self esteem, somehow trying to test God also. All the time when I did this in the last years, a few words were like a beacon of light to me, that God is merciful and loving. Now I simply have to make my way back from the mountain, and finally become wise and not test God anymore. I can go to church when I want. I can read the bible when I want to know something. But I should not play so big anymore. I should not play with God at all. There's a reason why He is in Heaven, and why I am on Earth. God's God, and I am just his child, amongst so many others. I'm not called to be a big glorious servant of God .. in fact I don't know in what way I am called at all. All I know is that I can trust Jesus and His Father to love me, they really do. They were thinking of me all the time, hoping that I would pass the tests into which I had forced myself into. Hoping that I would survive them. It's not right that I wanted to join God on His mountain. I am an Earthling, and I belong in these valleys and on those plains here.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

2:22PM

I'm back. I am currently staying in a hospital, and it was no good time, just like in the previous week I spent with my parents. I had a strong episode again, and a pretty deep one at that. I didn't take all my medicines properly and tried a few things which I should have better not tried. It was really weird. I thought I am the son of God and about to change the world again, and accordingly, I got images and mad thoughts, and started to feel weirder by the day. But it was some kind of mania, and as such, it was very pleasing in a sensual way. I felt so empowered. But it wasn't a righteous thing to think of myself as a new Jesus, in fact it was madness and Christ had warned his disciples against people who think like that. I guess my breakdown after the mania was some sort of punishment. I must work against getting punished for that again. I also have to try to think positively, all this negative thinking must go. No wonder that I give in to mania so easily when I always grind myself into depressions before that. A guy I met in the internet once told that you get a psychosis if you are in pain and the brain can't accept it. But it's one thing to be in pain, it's another to think it excuses everything. In other words, pain doesn't dissolve righteousness and its demands. But I guess this is another digging that needn't be. I guess if I just think positively, and go to Jesus as a God of love, then I will be fine, in the end, and I think after a few days in that mood all this madness will seem like some weird episode of the past that doesn't matter anymore.

I also worked on a few new pictures: the photos are behind the cutCollapse )

Friday, October 6, 2006

3:14PM

It's so very hard to move from reason to faith.

Wednesday, October 4, 2006

9:53PM

I'm having a hard time with this, but it seems I get to the end of my rope. I'm really depressed now, feeling so down and dry. I had such weird experiences today. It all began with waking up later than I should have, at 6 o'clock when I should have gone to work later than that. I've had trouble before with that, a long talk yesterday, and I have problems being critisized too much and standing condemned, so I phoned my workplace and told them I'm ill, which I'm not. Then some voice came to me and said it's ok, and that God sometimes lies too. And then it went on and on, with many weird happenings. I went to walk into the city and was happy because God sent me a beautiful day with sunshine and all. It was really of awesome beauty. The clouds were so clear.

Fuck it, can't speak about it. I'm really down. I almost wish I wouldn't live. It's like my mind is full of crap. It's like now God really sends me the delusions he said to send to those who leave him. It's like I took on the wrong guy. Just can't do anything about it.

I feel shame. I just feel bad for denying God. I'm weird.

5:10PM

I publically want to deny my faith in God, and in much of what the scriptures say about him and JESUS. Especially the apocalypse is wrong.

What I know now is Jesus was sent from God with a mission whose end was an empire of order, a fascist idea. But Jesus didn't want that, although he didn't always see through.

I have many thoughts going through my head, but here's the hitlist:

- the God of the Old Testament is an evil one - he hates sin, and says every soul that does shall die. That's childish, especially in the sense the Law defined so many things as sin. This God wants to be acknowledged as one of justice??? Isn't justice more than that? Of course we humans sin, and to be able to recognize a foul deed as sin and to repent from it, that's wonderful. But I am convinced that spiritually, to prescribe death to anyone for anything, is just evil. A God doesn't do that, unless he were in a human situation where a human killing another could be prevented by killing him. But to prescribe even a murderer with spiritual death? No, that's what no God would do.

- also think of the great flood - to wipe a whole race out? and now, Jesus, to do the same thing with fire? if that's what God does, then fuck off!

- The problem of evil isn't just valid, it's overpowering humanity. Any God who claims to be in control of this world, cannot be said good.

I think it's as easy as said.

Sunday, October 1, 2006

7:46AM

I had had such a weird night. Full of voices and hallucinations. It was really bad. I can't recount them all here, but at the end of it I saw the devil. Such a scumbag. He pretended to be God, having a silhouette of light. I was shown pictures of the Earth, beautiful ones. Because I had at some point in my life decided to hate the world, cuz I felt obliged not to love her cuz of scripture, and because I had repented before that, of something bad I did in the past, I decided to say fuck, I love the world. Why should I not love its beauty? The trees, the flowers, the grass in the morning. What a dumbass I have been sometimes in my life. Of course the world is lovable. Especially nature and many many many people. I just see something that's really beautiful, and I should not let anyone take it away. But as I said that, that man in white light said "I never loved you", and I thought fuck, I'm damned, I'm one of those pots destined for destruction the bible speaks about. And I talked with that "thing" I thought to be God, and said, well, it doesn't matter, if I'm destined for destruction, why loving God? Why giving a shit about everything? Why not following myself? What can I do if I'm destined for destruction? NOTHING. There'd be no point in following Jesus. I spent some hours in that mindset, thinking it over and over. Until, ultimately, I decided to call that "man" the devil. And as soon as I had seriously reasoned that out and believed it, then the white aura of the man disappeared and left behind a very ugly face that was holding a phone. A short time before that I had also seen the "man" on a throne, manipulating some buttons on the chair. And now it dawns on me that I had seen a man like this before, in a white bubble, on some sort of carved wooden throne. I guess those are the angels of darkness, the angels that fell with the devil. Yes, must be so. Damn, they are shrewd. They knew exactly what my weakness was. I'm a little afraid of God ... I think he takes it serious if we fall for the devil. But I believe this is for God's love of justice, truth and goodness. Why should we associate with the worst of all there is? The greatest liar, the greatest murderer, the greatest deceiver and manipulator. Every kind of suffering on Earth is worth ten thousand times more than 1 second of buying his shit.

The thing is, I know his face. I've seen it before, nearly 6 years ago when I was at thecry.com. It was a face I saw appear on a forum, and being the kinda mad and sick dude I was back then, I thought it to be the father of a girl I loved there, and I got weirder and weirder impressions, including that the girl was dead and all. I got so filled with hate. I couldn't help it. Although I tried to keep my daily life in my city together, I was always so full of anger and sadness and misery about the people I had met at thecry.com. I did not understand nor even seriously ponder that I was mislead by the devil there. That I got fucked by him. And that he was the one who destroyed what was present there, with my shameful blind willing cooperation.

Jesus made that known to me before, that I was to blame for the mess of these months. I had been intruding into two good partnerships and insulted and put down people left and right, when I had been given such a warm welcome. Jesus told me to regret that, but also said "I forgive you" ... I needed but to ask. He made it clear to me what happened. That instead of a good time at least for all involved, I ended up in my foolishness to create a mess in people's life. That's what I needed to learn, that I have to take responsibility for falling for the devil's lies. He's a serious enemy, and he tries to bring harm not only to the immmediate victim, but to so many others. I have a christian lady friend who told me about a satanist high priestess in a hospital, and in that hospital had so many unusual deaths. In scripture we find God holding David responsible for letting the devil tempt him successfully. It's serious evil. If I would not consider my very own involvement evil, how could I ever take responsibility, when I am not even avoiding the greatest evils? And not only that, I even thought the other people to be devils and judasses, holding myself to be christlike and a prophet, sticking to that stupid thought even when I was always just sitting in the dark and fearing and having had to see something bad was going on. I was supposed to be a good influence there at thecry, not someone who makes all others weird. And I should have never had intruded into any of 2 relationships there. That's just wrong and sin.

Fuck, that's it.

Daniel's back. Devil, beware, I'm gonna repair some of the damage done.

2:58AM

I was eating 2 pizzas today. Seems I might be getting some more overweight soon lol. I think I could do some sports, or rather watch some in the pub. I am also thinking of getting a car.

But this whole internet crep is nonsense. I like daddling on gamesload, but the whole affair's too costly. Maybe I might get a job somewhere so I can do it again. Lol ... I'm teh looser.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

7:22PM

I am still toying around with the photo program I have. It's not Photoshop but from a CD I got together with my digicam. It's fun to toy around with it. The first three pics are of the funny sort, the rest is more earnest.

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When doing this, I was thinking on God's anger against idolatry, and was pondering what God thinks about art. Before God, all becomes nothing. But perhaps that is too extremist a stance. But seriously, what is God's idea of harmony? Perhaps I should dig a bit into catholic thinking, I know that in the medievals, picking up some greek ideas pushed them forward. But even their greatest scholar, Thomas Aquinas, at the end of the day said that all his writings seem like straw. Perhaps I could interprete it in the way that at the end of his life, St. Thomas got a taste of what was awaiting him in Heaven. Kierkegaard thought that God purposely makes us fed up with life, within time, so that we can be received in love at the end of the road. Life is a tricky thing, it can trap and ensnare us sometimes. But considering it a "problem" seems satanic. I desire so much to have harmony between earthly life and spiritual life. I guess without a harmony of some kind living is perpetual unrest. God brings about harmony when one remains in grace, but sometimes remaining in step with grace seems difficult. When I pursued an extremist denial of art, in thought, I felt condemned. But I think that is because of the stance I took, for the extremist questions I asked myself. I'm still not sure how to handle extremist stances. It's such a vague term, and so difficult to tackle. It's where reason fails, it's where reason becomes afraid. When one really starts to love God, this love becomes boundless. It can become bliss. But when one starts to fear God, the fear can become boundless too. It can become horror. God makes us into shining people, but also writes a law in our hearts that restrains us. Part of being christian consists in understanding the law as good, that when it condemns us, it is justified, that we did wrong, not God. It helps in repentance. But one also needs to live in the knowledge that we're in grace. In Christ's law of repentance that is always met by God's grace. Our repentance is worth so much. If we could look at it as a deed, it's the greatest deed we can do. Perhaps I could find a way to make art about repentance. Visit drinkers and make photos of them after getting rid of the alcohol.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

9:14PM

There seems to be something protective about loving God above everything. I can't say I'm very good at that..

It seems to me, giving such complete love to someone or something else but God is bound to be a fatal mistake.

The more I advance in the faith, the more it seems like I am made for it.

There's this scripture in which Jesus says that those who believe in Him will have fountains of living water that well up into eternity. Sometimes, when I manage to both have faith and love, without the base kind of fears, then I can almost feel the fountain's water flow. It's like there's a strong current, a river, a mountain brook ...

Art has become important to me, as a means to be conscious, as a means to discover and be more open to what God has made, and what he has given me.

I've often been kinda nihilistic in my faith, without ever, thru nihilism, being able to reduce myself to what I am for God. I can't say I grasp God. It's more of a sensual thing - it's like God's giving me a sensation that envelops my entire being. Sometimes it's like a heat. I'm glad Peter wrote about it, that this heat is for temptation. Maybe it's a test: as if God asks, do you only want to be ecstatic about me? Are you serious about me? Are you serious about wanting to serve?

In the last weeks, when I come to think of it, I think I have tried to put myself in the center, at least I am not happy about my record. I feel like I highlighted myself too much on the forums I visited. I don't think my life has the form yet which God has intended for it.

I'm glad of remembering the verse of scripture that says Jesus has unlimited patience. And that nothing can separate us from His love. Whatever I did, somehow I knew of Jesus' love. No matter how far I traveled to the periphery, I always knew the God who is love to be in the center.

There's really no place for atheism within me anymore. There is no actual uncertainty about God's existence. Some kinds of ideas still irritate me, but most of the time I overcome the irritation, or end up forgetting them. One of those recent irritations came from getting to know the Qumran scrolls, reading a book about them. Having been one of them and knowing the mindset and attitude, I can understand how atheists can find the scrolls to be an argument against christianity. But I'm not convinced. If you really think them through, analytically and rationally, most of the arguments which unbelievers present do not really invalidate faith. For example, the problem of evil rather turns me to faith instead of turning me away from it. That's because I have no means to do away with evil. That's because I believe in miracles that God does for the faithful. That's because, for God evil is no hindrance. We humans might fear evil, we have reason to do so, but God doesn't have to fear evil.

God is an eternal rock.

11:42AM

I had a kind of epiphany today. Just after being finished with work I went down, dressed up in my streetwear, got myself a coffee, walked out of the nursing home and sat myself down on a bench to sip the coffee and smoke a ciggie. That's when it occured to me: I am not important, I do not have worth. What first seemed paradox, but which now seems logical, is that I became happy when thinking this. I found, how could mercy be mercy if I somehow deserved it thru being worthy? Could that really be mercy? Could that really be grace? When I pondered this I got so calm, and a sweet joy began to flow in me, from the head downwards. I'm not worthy. But what does that mean to God? Does it hinder Him from being merciful? No, it's the exact opposite - when I know that I am not worthy, then I recognize mercy for what it is, then I understand that I am saved, and not revered into salvation. That God takes pity on me because I am pitiful. In the time that followed, something returned to me. A simple happiness. I felt totally reminded to autumn 2000, and part of winter 2001 - only that time I fell out of the happiness cuz of my pride. Everything was so colorful, everything seemed so fresh. I sat at the tram station and watched workers working on the asphalt, renewing the cover. I felt no sting anymore, there was no falling back into uncertainty, into struggle with demand, into the depression of being unable to follow the demand.

In all these last years, I tried to tend to the sickness of pride. I tried to assign a worth to myself, I tried to disparage God -- just to be free. But I only have to get away from thinking that I am important. That somehow I have to be proud. I never allowed my pride to leave me. I guarded it as the best part of me. I considered my pride to be the pearl of great price.

Thank you, Father, for showing me this. I am just glad now. With the pride, the fear of self also went. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for the blessedness I feel. To be delivered from the sin which some consider the worst sin.

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